I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Who died my cat blue again?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
