highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Randomize
