No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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