we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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