i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I want a musical about memes.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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