I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
