i would punch a child for taco bell
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
