3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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