Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize