Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
