The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
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