i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
