He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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