but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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