I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
the day after is always just damage control
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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