I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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