Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
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