the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Randomize
