so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
