Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
