Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
