I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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