dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
