I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
You're like the curious george of whores
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
