dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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