he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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