This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize