Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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