He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
