Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
