we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
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