My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
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