these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
