That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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