im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Randomize
