Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize