we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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