Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
i need to put some appletini on your dick
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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