definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
