i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
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