Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
