Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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