Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
