a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
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