Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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