made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize
