I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
