my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
