So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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