so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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