Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
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