Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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