Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
try to milk me bitch
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