if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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